Here we go! Ready?

OK so here is my first post. So much pressure! haha! nah but its ok. I'm guna be ok I'm guna be ok. And dang it people really do like me! Kezia you have to finish telling me that story : )

OK so lately, God has been totally teaching me all about me. Wait. haha. ok, let me start at the beginning.

The way I got here was totally a God thing, but I'm guna leave that story for another day. But anyways, I got here totally expecting to change the world, and I was pretty sure I had everything figured out about me and who I was in Christ you know, the whole shebang. But about a week after I got here, I had this nagging feeling that I just wasn't doing enough, that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't measure up to God's expectations of me and I was never going to reach anyone let alone the world. I had had these feelings at home before, but I had put them down to being a new christian and thought that now God was taking me places, all that would be left behind me. So I was a tad bewildered at coming back to the same point again and again.

OK so fast forward to June. I had been trying so so hard to change the way I thought about myself. I knew that my feelings weren't right, and I knew that God really loved me, but I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried, make myself really believe that. OK skip to August. I'm at campus crusade for Christ retreat, in the meeting room in the middle of the night, balling my eyes out (let me tell you the snot was flowing - I could barely breathe). Ready to give up on this whole God thing, even though somehow I didn't really want to. I just got to the stage where I was like, whats the point of this? Secretly begging God to send me someone to help me understand but really not expecting it. Everyone thought I was in bed. And I'm not a person people usually go looking for.

I don't think they were looking for me, but these two amazing girls walked in, put their arms around me and started talking to me, I'm pretty sure secretly praying they could maybe help me figure out what was going on, coz I really had no idea! And anyways, one of them asked me a simple question. And out comes even more tears. I realised, that since I was a little girl, through one small event or another, I have believed (like really thought in my heart) that I was a burden to people. And people really close to me like my family really didn't believe that I loved them. And this lie in my heart was reflecting in my relationship with God too.

Since then has been so incredible. Romans 12:2 instructs us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds by Christ. Slowly God has been showing me all these hurts that I've been living with, and telling me truth where I used to believe lies...its hard to change 20 years of thought! Some of it has been really painful. It hurts really bad sometimes thinking about things I don't want to dig up again, places I don't want to go back to. But as I tell him about it, as I cry and show him like a little girl showing her daddy her grazed knee, He wraps me up in his arms and kisses it all better. He really does love me. (REALLY!) He really does want to protect me and bless me and heal me and show me how to get through this crazy adventure called life. I found myself marvelling at God the other day, just letting him know how incredibly merciful he is, its really not enough that I get to know him, but he wants to know me too, he wants to go deep inside my heart and fill it with love and peace and truth and joy and all this other awesome stuff. And I think he was giggling at me, it was like he was saying "duh!"

I'm just really loving Hosea 2 at the moment, it talks about how God will strip away all the things we try to get our worth from so that we will turn to Him - thats how much he desires us. Like he really really WANTS to be in our lives, like he is jealous and passionate about us. Then it talks about how he will heal us. How he'll teach us who he is and who we are. How he will join us to himself in the sense that he will never let us go, he will always be beside us, no matter what we think of Him, or ourselves. He will bless us more than we could possible imagine.

"Surely you desire truth in the inner most parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place." (Ps 51:6) He really wants us to know truth. He really does weep over our brokenness. He really does want us to be happy and whole and live a full awesome adventure of a life. He has no conditions to this love except that we turn to Him and let Him in. OK so thats what I've been learning about lately. A bit soppy I know, and probably really simple to all those christians reading. But it's truth, and the truth sets us free...